thoughts on being grown up

Yesterday I felt like...a real person. You know, the kind that people call an "adult?" And not just any adult, like a real adult with a real, well I guess it's really two real jobs. 

I don't know if I'll ever fully process the fact that I. teach. college. Sometimes I feel as if I'm there just as a student (only, except I don't think I could ever really consider myself a UVU student, let's get real) and that I'm presenting a group project or something for the day. And then, as I'm talking, all of a sudden I realize that everyone is in their seats staring intently up at me, listening and taking notes like they are actually learning from what I'm saying. And then, for a brief moment, I see the situation for what it really is- I, yes I, am their teacher- and it's that realization that takes my breath away just a little bit. 

It's kinda the same thing that happens when I'm leading the family group on the adolescent unit. Only it's the parents who are looking so intently at me, like they trust me to help them and their children. Woah. Moments like those, while generally fleeting, sort of shake me to my core and I think to myself, "I hope you know what you're doing, Sam, for the sake of all these students/parents/patients." In those few seconds, sometimes I doubt myself and sometimes I feel very young and even a little scared. But they are only seconds. The rest of the time I find that I surprise myself. I find that I really do know what I'm doing. 

The other day, I was thinking of how strange it is what I've chosen to do with my life. I was rather shy and quiet growing up. Now, every day, I stand up in front of different groups of people as the one in charge, the leader. Something really happened to me between then and now. Now, I enjoy public speaking. I am not afraid of confrontation. I am assertive. I am smart. I am capable. 

Now, I am an adult.