the first month is over and how bottle feeding saved me

Tomorrow Hero will be 1 month old. 

These past four weeks have flown by. 

And, to be honest, I'm glad they're over. 

Turns out, I was sort of a postpartum spaz. 

I'm doing much, much better now but those first weeks were really tough for me. 

Ever since Hero was born, I was surprised at how disconnected I felt from her. I kept thinking things would start feeling better, more natural and easy, but they didn't. I was having crying spells almost daily and felt mostly numb inside. 

And then there was the breast feeding. Oh the breast feeding. 

Although it was starting to become less physically painful for me to nurse her, I still didn't enjoy it. In fact, I almost hated it. Nursing felt only like hard work and nothing more. And what I hated the most was that every time she was hungry (which was a lot of the time), the smallest part of me felt angry and resentful of her because I knew it meant I had to nurse. That feeling was the absolute worst. 

I think my negative experience with nursing started to generalize out and taint my entire experience with Hero and motherhood. 

Suddenly, everything started to feel unhappy. I felt blocked off from all the feelings of love and joy that I not only wanted so desperately to feel but also knew I deserved to feel. 

My struggles all culminated the first weekend at the cabin. 

On Friday night at the cabin, through sobs, I told my mom and Chas about all this.

That's when we decided I should look into getting a prescription for Zoloft, which we did the next morning. 

That same morning I also discovered that I had Mastitis for which I needed antibiotics and had come down with one of the most awful stomach flu viruses I've ever experienced. 

That was a hard, hard day. 

It was such a blessing that I was at the cabin during that time. 

My mom and sisters took care of Hero while I was basically incapacitated for those few days. 

I love them so much for what they did for me during that time. 

Two days later, after much thought, prayer, and anxiety, I decided to stop breast feeding and switch to formula. 

It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. 

I felt guilty for allowing my body to simply absorb all the milk it was producing, milk that had so much of the best stuff in it for my daughter. Milk that was made especially for her. 

A part of me felt like a failure and a bad, selfish mother. 

But I slowly worked through all those emotions and the first day with bottles was the first day I started to feel truly calm, happy, and content with Hero. 

Those feelings continued to grow and become stronger. 

On day 5 of bottle feeding, I stopped taking the Zoloft. 

And now, a week later and a month after Hero's birth, everything feels like I always wanted it to feel. 

I can actually feel the love I always knew I had for her. 

I love her more and more every day. 

The crying has stopped and pure joy has replaced the numbness. 

And now, most importantly, Hero has a happy, emotionally healthy mom. 

I know I made the right choice. 

The right choice for me, for Hero, and for our family.