Friday, October 22, 2010

Thursday

Yesterday was a little strange. I went to work: two child groups and one adolescent group. The day went by fast but it felt hard. On the drive home, I turned up Foo Fighters real loud and decided to pass our house and keep driving. I could feel I needed a little longer to decompress. The sun was just starting to go down, making the tree lined streets a blur of neon gold leaves above, windows down, and my music still blaring. I soaked it in. When I got home, I ate two applesauce cookies and watched a YouTube clip of a puppy. It was all just what I needed to help leave the stirred up therapist emotions mostly at work.

My love came home and we went about our normal evening routine. We cuddle, mostly in silence, for a bit on our bed, eventually discuss what to make for dinner, realize we have to run to the store, discuss how much we don't want to do either, drag our sorry selves to the store, make a late but yummy meal, and then retreat back to the bed for some more cuddling. During this last part is when I started feeling funny. Only thing was, it wasn't funny at all. It was sad and I quickly felt very heavy and very dark. I tried to hold back but those dang tears kept escaping from the corners of my eyes, running away down my cheeks. Sweet Chas squeezed me, wondering again and again what was wrong. When he asked if I wanted a blessing, I replied "I don't know" for the hundredth time but this time the tears really came. I cried. Really hard. And then I stopped. And felt relief.

It's a weird thing and a teensy part of me feels almost guilty or weak for allowing myself to fully experience such strong, deep emotions. I think not knowing where it's all bubbling up from must scare me a bit, too. I wonder if that ever happens to anyone else. Really crying for no real reason? (At least, no real reason you're aware of in the moment.)

Once I could start breathing again, I suggested we do some art together. We've never done that before but the thought just came to me and seemed like if I see it help people every day, maybe it could help me right now. Hhmmm...

Oil pastel drawings about whatever we wanted. When finished, we told each other about our art and tried to discover hidden meanings. I absolutely loved it. I felt refreshed, calm, and so connected with Chas. When I asked if we could do it again tomorrow night, he, of course, enthusiastically agreed. I love my husband. Maybe because I'm an art therapist is why it felt so...therapeutic. But then again, I honestly don't think that had much to do with it. Free art making really is like a good cry, only so much better.  

I guess sometimes we all just need a good cry.

4 comments:

Miriam Lusk said...

I had those moments like every other day when I was pregnant. Sometimes as girls, we are just emotional. It happens. Life moves on.

love, sam & chas said...

Here's the thing though, mare. I kinda feel like the attitude of "oh, girls are just emotional so no biggie" can be detrimental because it generally invalidates the unique experience of a woman, whether that experience be caused by pregnancy hormonal changes, a bad day at work, or otherwise.
Yes, I do totally agree that it happens and life DOES (thank goodness) move on, but a woman's (or any person's, for that matter) emotional life is real, important, and should be honored as such.
Ok...off my soap box now.
Love you my grandma princess :)

katie said...

Hello my long lost friend! Sorry I haven't visited you (your blog) in a while. I've missed you and just wanted to stop by and say "hi."
As for the cry thing, I am not sure but I think that sometimes a girl just needs a good cry.

Rachel said...

Happens to me all the time! and Thank goodness for loving husbands who will just hold us tight until it's all out! ... and paint with us, or not... "your choice" (as Lincoln says. haha, sorry. but yeah, I love you!