Tuesday, February 15, 2011

patient. just be patient.

This is my sister Sarah and her husband Michael. How could you not love these two? 


Sarah will be having a baby boy this summer. The first baby for my side of the family. I love this belly to pieces and can't wait to meet my first blood nephew (sorry, that sounded unnecessarily vampire-esque. Gross.)


Soooo...back to me. jk. But seriously, I've been wanting to write my thoughts on the subject of me and babies for a while now. 

Basically, I want one. Really badly. Like I yearn-for-it-deep-deep-down-inside-of-me badly. Like every-time-I-look-into-Chas'-eyes-I-can't-help-but-think-how-much-I-want-to-see-a-baby's-face-with-his-eyes badly. You may be thinking that I need to just calm the bones because didn't I just write our 1-year anniversary post like yesterday? Jeeze louise. But actually, as some of you may know, I was once married to someone else. It's a part of my life that now feels more like a weird dream than reality. Still, it's the truth. So technically, I've been a wife for over three years total. (But please don't think that I actually count my time being married like that. We all know my life with Chas this last year is everything to me.) When I was a wife to someone else, I never felt the baby urge. Maybe because I was so focused on grad school. Maybe because it just wasn't meant to be. Either way, I'm so, so glad I didn't have the desire to become pregnant back then. Probably one of the biggest blessings of my life.

But now it's me and Chas. And as I'm sure you all know, I love everything about our life together. It's peaceful. It's calm. It's full of sleeping in and little responsibility outside of work and snugging. But there's still that part of me. That part deep down that sinks a little every time I learn of yet another one of my friends getting pregnant. Basically every person I know is either currently pregnant, gave birth within the last three months, and/or has a new puppy. No fair. That's what that is.

So what's holding us back, you ask? Well, even though Chas has been working full-time hours as an on-call freelance film editor for a year now, he doesn't have a full-time position with benefits. I'm also working only as an on-call/part-time art therapist and adjunct professor. So no benefits there either. (We're both kinda worthless. jk.) We've looked into every possible way for us to provide our own health insurance. No luck. So we're left with playing the full-time job waiting game, something we've been doing for months and months now. My prayers have recently changed from asking for a full-time job to asking for the faith and patience I really don't have sometimes. I can begin to feel those prayers being answered. I'm trying to make a real, conscious effort to love and appreciate every single aspect of our Sam-and-Chas only life which, honestly, is pretty dang easy to do. Patience and faith are coming easier. But then I watch a little film/photo montage of my friend's baby's birth set to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and I'm not only in total shambles but am also frantically searching "film editor" jobs on Craigslist. 

I remind myself it's ok to feel sad and it's ok to want good, righteous things. I also remind myself that no feeling is forever and maybe tomorrow will feel a little easier. Until then, and until there's a baby on the scene, our life together is exactly as it should be right now, even though I want it to be different sometimes. I know it's just right because if it were meant to be any other way, it would be. I can have faith in my Heavenly Father's timing and my ability to accept His plan and His timing. 

But that doesn't mean I'm not mentally decorating our baby's room at least once a day. 
So there.  :)

14 comments:

Sarah said...

thanks for the post sam. just remember, good things come to those who wait:)

HettyA said...

It will come in time! :) You'll never be fully ready for a baby but when the time is right to give it a shot youll know ;). Hang in there!

candace said...

I felt similar to you for a REALLY long time. I love my ultra money-conservative husband, but we'll be married well over 4 years before our baby comes. It seemed impossible to wait. Just hang in there.

Also--have you seen pinterest.com? I think you'd really like it...

Haley K said...

your sister is darling! (and can I say I have no doubt that you'll be an adorable pregnant lady too!) Your words were so sweet and I can absolutely understand... I loved that you said that your prayers have changed to asking for more patience and faith. When He answers that prayer, everything will fall into place :) Just enjoy your time of "just the 2 of us" together and keep on building that foundation that the little babe will need in wonderful parents like you two :) Oh, and happy anniversary!!

Katie said...

Generally with state health care you automatically qualify when you get prego. Just sayin' :)

Kailey said...

Being from Canada, we don't really have to deal with those issues of having to pay for health care...we pay through taxes. I do have close friends who live in the states and it seems awful to make people wait and save enough money to have a baby. However, fertility treatments and adoptions are not covered. Seems like another slap in the face if you're not able to have kids, THEN you have to pay for it.
I'm so sorry you have to wait, but hopefully the waiting will make you an even more amazing mother.

Shalyn said...

Oh girl, being an aunt is the best thing in the world. I know you already know that, but there is something a little different about your first "blood" nephew/neice! You and your sis are adorable!

And I am SO with you about the baby thing, it is all I think about! I just keep telling Heavenly Father that it is in his hands and I know he will allow me to have a baby in the right time;-) Hang in there!

Emily said...

Loved this post!! You're SO right - we all need to remember to have patience and faith in our trials. This time will be but a small moment anyway, right? =)

jessica.adams said...

I totally feel where you're coming from, girl. And even though I don't formally know you outside of blogging, I have a good feeling you'll be a great mom someday.
Keep on keepin' your chin up. :)

Diana Smith said...

I totally know how you feel! That has gotta be so frustrating to want to do something so amazing, but be held back. So when I got pregnant, we were not expecting it...neither of us had insurance and we were both in school. Well we applied for medicaid and got accepted...it might be right for you, might not. Im sure you have thought about this though...

Ethan and Katie Hanson said...

Oh Sami, I'm excited that you are wanting a baby so badly... but sorry about the whole learning patience thing, its a lesson I'm currently learning and it really stinks! I have a friend in my ward who has the same due date I did, March 1st, I get a constant reminder of what I lost...its no fun :( But I know Heavenly Father knows my desires and will bless us when its the right time, as He will with you! And I second the whole look into government insurance, its a whole lot easier to qualify for when pregnant, and they pay for everything!

I love you Sam! Your sister is too cute! :)Being an Aunt is pretty cool too!

Young People in Love said...

Hello friends!
Thank you all for your sweet love and support. Empathy is the greatest, no?
A few of you have mentioned Medicaid. We've actually applied and, turns out, we don't qualify and still wouldn't qualify even if pregnant. So that's what I meant by
"We've looked into every possible way for us to provide our own health insurance. No luck."
So yeah, we're still waiting and praying for blessings.
Thanks again for your words and thoughts! They mean a lot!

Miriam Lusk said...

Aw! The mommy version of Sam warms my heart. You have a really good perspective about it. So keep that. Your stars will align in time. Until then- Keep hoping. Whoever these babies are- are seriously lucky to have you two as parents some day. So they are probably willing to wait. Love You Grandma!

Vicky said...

I can totally relate to where you are right now. For the past 18 months I have been desperately praying to be blessed with the right circumstances for a baby to be welcomed into our little world. It has taken a very tragic miscarriage and a lot of agonising waiting before I was ready to say ' when the time comes it comes '. I am in no rush now because God has a plan for us all and right now my plan is to be happy and in love with my beautiful boy and forget about the waiting.