patient. just be patient.

This is my sister Sarah and her husband Michael. How could you not love these two? 

Sarah will be having a baby boy this summer. The first baby for my side of the family. I love this belly to pieces and can't wait to meet my first blood nephew (sorry, that sounded unnecessarily vampire-esque. Gross.)

Soooo...back to me. jk. But seriously, I've been wanting to write my thoughts on the subject of me and babies for a while now. 

Basically, I want one. Really badly. Like I yearn-for-it-deep-deep-down-inside-of-me badly. Like every-time-I-look-into-Chas'-eyes-I-can't-help-but-think-how-much-I-want-to-see-a-baby's-face-with-his-eyes badly. You may be thinking that I need to just calm the bones because didn't I just write our 1-year anniversary post like yesterday? Jeeze louise. But actually, as some of you may know, I was once married to someone else. It's a part of my life that now feels more like a weird dream than reality. Still, it's the truth. So technically, I've been a wife for over three years total. (But please don't think that I actually count my time being married like that. We all know my life with Chas this last year is everything to me.) When I was a wife to someone else, I never felt the baby urge. Maybe because I was so focused on grad school. Maybe because it just wasn't meant to be. Either way, I'm so, so glad I didn't have the desire to become pregnant back then. Probably one of the biggest blessings of my life.

But now it's me and Chas. And as I'm sure you all know, I love everything about our life together. It's peaceful. It's calm. It's full of sleeping in and little responsibility outside of work and snugging. But there's still that part of me. That part deep down that sinks a little every time I learn of yet another one of my friends getting pregnant. Basically every person I know is either currently pregnant, gave birth within the last three months, and/or has a new puppy. No fair. That's what that is.

So what's holding us back, you ask? Well, even though Chas has been working full-time hours as an on-call freelance film editor for a year now, he doesn't have a full-time position with benefits. I'm also working only as an on-call/part-time art therapist and adjunct professor. So no benefits there either. (We're both kinda worthless. jk.) We've looked into every possible way for us to provide our own health insurance. No luck. So we're left with playing the full-time job waiting game, something we've been doing for months and months now. My prayers have recently changed from asking for a full-time job to asking for the faith and patience I really don't have sometimes. I can begin to feel those prayers being answered. I'm trying to make a real, conscious effort to love and appreciate every single aspect of our Sam-and-Chas only life which, honestly, is pretty dang easy to do. Patience and faith are coming easier. But then I watch a little film/photo montage of my friend's baby's birth set to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and I'm not only in total shambles but am also frantically searching "film editor" jobs on Craigslist. 

I remind myself it's ok to feel sad and it's ok to want good, righteous things. I also remind myself that no feeling is forever and maybe tomorrow will feel a little easier. Until then, and until there's a baby on the scene, our life together is exactly as it should be right now, even though I want it to be different sometimes. I know it's just right because if it were meant to be any other way, it would be. I can have faith in my Heavenly Father's timing and my ability to accept His plan and His timing. 

But that doesn't mean I'm not mentally decorating our baby's room at least once a day. 

So there.  :)