Thursday, December 8, 2011

Pregnancy is a funny thing.

Aside from the morning sickness, one of the biggest things I've dealt with for the past few months is "preggo brain." 

My mind will just go blank, without a moment's notice. 

As you can imagine, this makes for some interesting times in my work as both a therapist and professor. 
There has been a lot of, "Uhhh...Ok. I promise I had a thought just now...but now I don't." And that's on a good day- when I can actually string a full sentence together. Sometimes, when preggo brain strikes, I can't even put words together to make a sentence. My mind is totally blank. 
It's awesome. 
In fact, just last week in one of my classes, a student asked a question and this was my response,
"Umm...Ok. I'm not even going to pretend that I know the answer to that right now because I don't. Sorry." 
Oh man. 

A little off-shoot of preggo brain has been the way my "container" or ability to effectively hold and contain difficult emotions has diminished.
I've started to try to keep the content and themes of my therapy groups much more light and not so intense. 
It's helping.
But, in my personal life, things can't always be kept so nice, light, and positive. 
Things can and will get kind of intense and, normally, that's just fine. 
But now, all of a sudden, my emotions are so much closer to the surface and I'm having a hard time expressing myself without becoming a blubbering weirdo. 
I'm learning to be more forgiving and patient with myself and this new, much more emotional me. 

But what I don't like, preggo or not, is allowing my emotions to get the best of me. 
I recently had an opportunity to be confronted with frustration, hurt, and anger. 
And, because of this, I also had the opportunity to confront myself and examine both what I did well in this situation and what I could have done better.

Sometimes I actually enjoy trying to figure myself out and get more self-awareness.
It's almost becomes a little game I play in my head.
I'll ask myself questions like, 
"Now why is it exactly that this situation was so difficult for me? What's my deal? What part of it can I own for myself?" 
"What aspect of my thinking around this situation is just self-serving and what part is really true?" 
"Why is it that holding onto little bits of resentment feels almost good to me?"
"At what point do I need to stop venting and move into proactive, positive problem-solving?" 
"What is within my power to address this issue in a way that is the most effective for both sides?" 

I want to be better. 

And this pregnancy is giving me a wonderful opportunity to be better than I was before. 

I love you, little cryings. 


Ali said...

Girl I KNOW!! Working with my kindergarteners is super hard when I forget everything they ask me.....and I cry at the drop of a pin, it's kinda hilarious actually. If I break down at school my little ones give me comfort, and the hubs when I break down at home but I totally understand not letting it get to you, I have to remind myself to breathe when I'm feeling cranky ;)

Caitlin said...

I guess what you can do now is just pretend that OTHER people are the forgetful ones. Put it on someone else, you're pregnant! :)

My emotions are always at the surface anyway (I'm terrible at controlling them) so I know what you mean about keeping yourself in check. It's definitely a great exercise for everyone, pregnant or no!

Brianna said...

Just wait til after your have little cryings.
I had a fantastic memory. And now. I forget everythinggg!!

Laura said...

I can totally relate to this! I am in my first trimester now of my 2nd pregnancy. Luckily, this time is so much better then the last one so far. But the one thing that is still just as bad is the preggo brain!! I feel like such an idiot sometimes. And I cry alot of everything. Even commercials.

Kari said...

I really don't know how much better you can get! You are pretty near perfection to me--definitely someone I admire. Nonetheless, it's always good to try and be a little better everyday. Motherhood (pregnancy included!) definitely has a way of strengthening you more than you can even imagine. Enjoy this time with your little one when you get to hold him/her so close to you all day every day.

Anonymous said...

Not to give you reason to worry, but my sister has a 4 month old baby (first-time mommy) and she STILL has pregnancy brain. She'll stop in the middle of a sentence, pause of two seconds and say, "What was I just talking about?" Then she gets frustrated with herself. LOL Of course I get a kick out of this new personality, but she doesn't.

Sarah Ann said...

Ah, sweetie. I feel for you!

I struggled with pregnancy brain SO much. It wasn't even just the forgetting as much as it was just not feeling like myself at all! That was so weird. But I'm learning that motherhood (during pregnancy and after) is quick-changing and a constant journey. Parts of me don't feel the same and probably never will, but that's okay. It's good to be flexible and fluid!

Brooke said...

Sam, you are an adorable writer, and I'm so glad your sharing the ups and downs of this pregnancy. Keep smiling, you are an inspiration :)

Bon Bon said...

Pregnant life is such a special and sweet time! Enjoy! All the emotions/cravings/quirks:-) xoxo

aislin said...

this post is adorable! my mom had four kids, and to this day my dad will tell you the only time you could ever get her to stop talking mid-sentence was went she got hit by a wave of preggo brain!

Alexis Kaye said...

you sound like my therapist. She's AWESOME for the record :) hahaha! good luck with that though. You sound really optimistic about it [good for you!] but I would be frustrated with that brain fog!

Mia said...

Man, I can tell you're a therapist. Hahahaha! :)

Tabitha said...

Gosh. I am so glad that I am not the only counselor/therapist who psychoanalyzes herself. And I don't even have a little one on the way to justify it!

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